Look, we can all agree that Astrology is a field of study based in hard, scientifically-sound evidence, and if you dont believe in it, youre a Capricorn. Therefore, it stands that if youre an Aries and someone else is an Aries, youre basically the same person.
Now, if youre an Aquarius, you might say, Wait, stop right there! Im my own unique person, with a life, an upbringing and a personality all my own. I wont be deduced to a type.What a hilariously Aquarian outburst.
Well, I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 astrological signs, so its just basic math. Youre not special.
Here are theterrible celebritiesyou have everything in common with, based on your shared zodiac sign:
Aries (March 21 April 19): Martin Shkreli
Martin Shkreli is the pharmaceutical hobgoblin best known (and mostly hated) for hoarding medicine from newborns and people with AIDS by raising the price of said meds by 5000 percent. THEN, he spent millions on the new Wu-Tang Clan album so ONLY HEcould listen to it.
Like all Aries, Shkreli is a baby, who has only physically developed into an adult. He sees the external world and all its wonders as a giant pacifier, and he spends his life grasping for what he believes he needs to survive.
Sound familiar, Aries? Of course it doesnt. Babies dont have the level of self-awareness to know theyre this selfish.
Taurus (April 20 May 20): Michael Moore
Michael Moore is the pudgy, opinionated windbag, who loves making documentaries almost as much as he loves to say, I told you so.
Like every Taurus ever born, Michael Moore is a stubborn, preachy blow-hard. He hates authority, but because he is plagued by a whorish need to show off his know-it-all attitude, hes devoted his life to telling us how were doing it wrong.
Sure, his intentions are good, but, like, are they really?
Gemini (May 21 June 20): Donald Trump
Donald Trump is a man who needs no introduction, as he prefers to introduce himself by grabbing women by the pussy. ButWhich Trump is the real Trump? is a question the media (and the world) has been hammering their heads into walls over for the last year.
The answer is, they are ALL the real Donald Trump.Geminis are human Rubix Cubes, and they drive us all insane. It isnt untiltheyre reading from a teleprompter that you realize Geminis are meant to be puzzles. Theyre just more entertaining that way.
Cancer (June 21 July 22): Bill Cosby
Bill Cosby is known for filling the world with laughter and love, before the world found out he was drugging and raping woman.
Now, he hides away, hoarding his money to pay for lawyer fees and feeling sorry for his ruined legacy, like he actually believes hes the victim.
Before you hit the comments section, jut relax and hear me out. Im not saying Cancers are rapists, but if youre a Cancer and youre doing something you shouldnt be doing, youll probably act like a sad sack about it, instead of admitting your fault.
Instead, youll isolate yourself and become overly reliant on the three things Cancers are all about: family, food and self-pity.
Leo (July 23 August 22): Madonna
Everybody LOVES Madonna! Shes a pop-genius! Shes our Material Girl!
Yeah, but doesnt it put a bee in your basket when everyone is so obsessed with someone that they cant even understand why you hate them?
This is the problem with Madonna and all Leos: Theyre constantly surrounded by a bunch of sycophantic losers, so theyll never be taken down a peg. Even worse, their haters true heroes of independent thought will never have the satisfaction of watching that happen.
Also, a Leo is the infamous Brock Turner, but listing two pardoned rapists in a row makes this a different kind of article.
Virgo (August 23 September 22): Kim Davis
Oh, THIS bitch. Theres nothing more frustrating than a thrice-divorced county clerk denying marriage licenses to gay couples, while claiming to act on Gods authority.
Like every Virgo ever born, Kim Davis needs to shut her damn yap and stop judging everybody. She sets herself up for failure because she sees the whole world in terms of absolutes and her own ideals.
When the world doesnt measure up, ol Kimmy gets disappointed and makes herself look like a jackass by trying to take matters into her own hands. Nobody likes you, Kim. And nobody likes you, Virgo.
Libra (September 23 October 22): Gwyneth Paltrow
Gwyneth Paltrow began her career at the height of movie stardom and is now best known for being a pretentiously tone-deaf blogger whom everyone hates. By making her divorce to Chris Martin sound like a spa treatment, calling it a conscious uncoupling, America decided theyd had quite enough of this skinny windbag.
The absolute science of astrology would indicate that if youre a Libra like Gwyneth, youre also a huge, snobby pain in the ass, with weird, snobby standards about social acceptability.
Go step in some dogshit, Libra. Try to stay humble.
Scorpio (October 23 November 21): Rachel Dolezal
Rachel Dolezal is a white woman who disguised herself in black face while serving as thepresident of the NAACP in Spokane, Washington.
When she was outed to the world by her parents, she did the most white-privileged thing ever: She doubled down on her fake black heritage, saying she was black because she identified as such.
Like all Scorpios, Rachel Dolezals life is about power, manipulation and secrecy. Shes annoyingly secretive and wont let anyone in on whats going on inside that insanely-twisted mind of hers, mostly because she doesnt even understand it herself.
Basically, handing out that information gives you the advantage in the psychological warfare game that is her life.
Sagittarius (November 22 December 21): Anne Coulter
Obnoxious, loud-mouthed, cultural-fungus Anne Coulter has been peddling hate speech to right-wing idiots in the Midwest for years, and she shows no signs of zipping her lips anytime soon.
As is the case with every Sagittarius, this is because Anne Coulters brand is annoying. Think of Miley Cyrus and her awful tongue, and youve got all the scientific evidence you need.
Every Sagittarius on Gods green earth is incapable of understanding how obnoxious they are.Theyre too busy dispersingtheir awfulness out into the world to take a cold, hard look at themselves.
Capricorn (December 22 January 19): Ed Hardy
Ed Hardy was a tattoo artist whochose to abandon everything cool about his life to sell t-shirts to losers.
This is the problem with all Capricorns: Regardless of the cool lives they worktoward, deep down, they are still boring people.
Theres nothing more to say about them. Literally, they make me want to fall asleep.
Aquarius (January 20 February 18): Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton is known for being Paris Hilton. Shes done some things, sure. She had a reality television show called The Simple Life, shes been a sort-of DJ and she has, like, a million different perfume lines only a dog could differentiate between.
Mostly, though, shes known for the weird baby voice she does when she talks.
As is the case with all Aquarians, Paris Hilton is somehow removed from her own humanity. She wanders the earth aloof and detached a persona more than a person while the rest of us wonder where she belongs (if not Earth).
Pisces (February 19 March 20): Justin Bieber
Like all Pisces, Bieber needs to go back to Canada. Also like all Pisces, he is just a huge fucking martyr. While touring the album Believe (such an annoying title), he was actually lowered down to the stage, attached to a pair of gigantic angels wings.
Take a nap, Justin Gabriel Bieber. The world doesnt need you that bad. The same goes for all you Pisces out there.
Stop trying to be a hero. Every time you open your mouth, it sounds like were listening to an audiobook of The Secret, and frankly, everyone has had it up to here with your inspirational bullshit.
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